When children are upset, the common parental question, "What's wrong?", may inadvertently cause them to withdraw rather than communicate. Based on observations from conscious parenting education and studies of over 200 children, the phrase "Tell me what feels hard right now" has been identified as a more effective approach to encourage children to reflect and articulate their feelings.
This alternative communication strategy is effective due to several factors:
- Reduced Defensiveness: The term "hard" is perceived as non-threatening, indicating to the child that they are not in trouble and do not need to justify their emotional state, which promotes continued engagement in the conversation.
- Organic Emotional Language Development: Children can describe specific situations, sensations, or overwhelming moments without needing to precisely label their emotions, fostering a gradual expansion of their emotional vocabulary.
- Established Emotional Safety: The phrase conveys a parent's capacity to manage the child's feelings, cultivating an environment where emotions are met with composure, which supports the development of emotional intelligence.
- Child Agency: Rather than demanding an explanation, the phrase invites reflection, allowing the child to decide the extent and timing of their sharing, thereby reinforcing their sense of control over their emotional experience.
- Nervous System Regulation: The feeling of emotional safety can help calm a child's stress response. This approach prioritizes emotional regulation before logical reasoning, which is particularly useful when behaviors seem disproportionate or confusing.
- Normalization of Emotions: By focusing on what is challenging, parents communicate that emotions can be acknowledged and processed without immediate resolution, teaching children that feelings are a normal part of life to be experienced.
- Demonstration of Emotional Intelligence: Employing this phrase in interactions provides a real-time example of emotional intelligence.