Focusing solely on the frequency of sex as a measure of relationship success is a common but often inaccurate indicator, according to sex and relationships therapists Kassandra Mourikis and Isiah McKimmie. Mismatched desire is a prevalent issue in relationships, influenced by factors like uneven mental load, stress, tiredness, arguments, illness, and bodily changes such as pregnancy and hormonal shifts. People often compare their current sexual activity to the higher frequency experienced at the start of a relationship, leading to unrealistic expectations and stress.
Media portrayals and social perceptions contribute to a skewed idea of "normal" sexual frequency. While there is a correlation between satisfying relationships and sex lives, more sex does not necessarily equate to greater happiness, nor does less sex necessarily lead to unhappiness if both partners are content. Therapists suggest that averaging one to three times a week is often reported as a comfortable frequency for couples, though this varies.
Experts recommend shifting focus from frequency to more meaningful indicators of a satisfying sex life. These include:
- Is sex pleasurable for both partners?
- How effectively are partners communicating about sex, desires, and limits?
- Is there mutual consent, with the ability to express "yes" and "no"?
- Is there variety and novelty, if desired?
- Does sex feel like a "choose your own adventure" rather than a rigid script?
- What are the underlying reasons for engaging in sex (e.g., connection, exploration, fun, bonding, stress relief, feeling desired, expressing love)?
Redefining what constitutes "sex" is also helpful. Traditional views, especially in heterosexual relationships, often limit sex to penetration ending in orgasm. However, experts emphasize that sex encompasses a wide range of experiences, including oral sex, mutual masturbation, and various forms of foreplay. This broader perspective allows for greater exploration of what feels interesting, new, and pleasurable, moving beyond a "sexual staircase" mentality. Societal and cultural definitions of sex can be limiting, often excluding queer individuals, those with pain, and disabled people. Ultimately, sexual frequency often fits into the broader context of a relationship, with a greater focus on connection and healthy communication often leading to improved sexual satisfaction.